It’s Friday. My body is STILL incredibly sore from wrestling with my tire on the side of 287N on Wednesday morning. I need to start going to the gym IMMEDIATELY! I mean granted I did have to jack the truck up 3 different times to get it right, but still this is ridiculous. I should not be sore like this. Laziness, sloth and outashapeness abound. smh
I’ve discovered that the Plainsboro Public Library is VERY nice! Been going there to use the net since whichever neighbor it was whose wireless network I was ummm….borrowing wisened up and setup an encryption a little while ago. Going without cable and internet at home for a little while as 1 of my 2012 missions is to eliminate bills where the money could be better used to build the future I want.
I’m guessing that the ban that Radio One had on Matthew Knowles label (Music World Ent.) has been lifted ‘cause I’ve been hearing his artists on the radio again. Love Brian Courtney Wilson’s new joint “So Proud”. Dude’s voice is incredible. Finally heard Leandria Johnson’s single “Jesus”. My reaction….womp womp wooooomp. Weak song all the way around. Still trying to figure out what all the fuss is about with her. But then again, I do follow a bunch of industry lackies on Twitter who treat every thing that any major label artist does like it’s the second coming. I mean come on. EVERYBODY is not KILLIN’! smh
Call of Duty MW3. That is all.
I forget which movie or tv show it’s from but I believe the quote goes, “You think you know, but you have no idea.” It’s funny how art often imitates life. For years I thought I knew what romantic love was, but I had no idea. It took 31 years, a divorce, and some major spiritual opened heart surgery to open my eyes to the fact that events during my teenage years had misshapen my idea of love and what it felt like. Let me explain.
As I stated in an earlier post, I have always been quite the nerd. Though I was proud of my nerdiness, girls did not exactly share my sentiments. I’ve also always been a one woman man in that I would always fall for one girl and be interested only in them. Bad combination (lol). Needless to say, from about 13 on up I kept finding myself in situations where I had fallen for someone who was not interested in me in that way. A Ms. Impossible if you will (for those who have listened to my Feelings ’11 project). A by-product of this was a strong feeling of longing that I would feel as physical pain. For lack of a better way to describe it; it was as if there was a hand in my chest that was tugging on my heart, or like there was a whole in my chest. I equated that feeling to love. I felt like when you loved someone you should long for them until it hurt. That the void I felt was there because it could only be filled by that special someone.
When I was 18 I thought I had found that special someone. It was a girl from my church that I had been pining for since I was 14, and for whatever reason we finally got together. I had a Seinfeld moment. “This is it! This is what I’ve been looking for!” Then before I knew it she had cheated on me and it was over. I was devastated. I felt like I had no reason to live. I (briefly) considered suicide. I mean it was really bad. But then, over time, I did what we church folk LOVE to do….I went on in Jesus name (eeekabobo…). I declared “I’m healed!” and moved on my way. What I did not realize though, was that although I had gotten over her, I still had never taken the time to understand that it was my misshapen view of what love was that had gotten me into that situation in the first place. It was my addiction to that longing and that “whole in the chest” feeling that kept me chasing after someone for 3 years who obviously was not that interested in me. It was the Steve Urkel & Laura “I’m wearing you doooowwwwn baby” syndrome. I also did not realize that I didn’t recognize my own worth as a catch for the opposite sex. I guess that’s why that relationship ending devastated me the way it did. I felt like having that special someone gave me my worth, so when it was over I felt worthless.
It was on the heels of this that I entered into NJIT. This presented a new challenge. See I went to an all boy’s High School (Essex Catholic baby!!!) so I did not have to deal with girls on a daily basis. Only at church and Eagle Flight. Now I was thrust into an environment where not only did I see girls everyday but I lived with them on a college campus. Oh my. Not only did the longing intensify, but I think I actually started liking it. I wanted to feel it. The pain became a part of who I was. I thought that what I felt was love, but now I see I had no idea.
It was with this false idea of love and lack of self-worth that I entered into 3 different serious relationships between 20 and 25, the last of which turned into marriage. At this point I had masked my sense of romantic worthlessness with a thick layer of super spirituality concerning relationships. I completely removed myself from the decision making process when it came to who I was to be with and who I was to marry. Whoever I was with at the time was THE ONE. I realize now that because I didn’t see myself as a catch, I felt like anyone who was interested in me HAD to be from God. I mean why else would they be interested in someone like me? I think that the main reason the last of the 3 relationships turned into marriage was time. I had the EXACT same mentality in all 3 relationships. It’s just that the 3rd one is the only one that actually lasted long enough to turn into a marriage.
*And now a word from our sponsor*
“So for those of you who know the details of our divorce and have put the blame on her, please don’t. BOTH of our mentalities were warped.”
*Now back to our regularly scheduled blog*
When the marriage ended after 5 ½ years, I was still blind to the fact that my idea of love was poorly conceived. I began to realize it though, when I saw myself starting to repeat the same pattern again. I fell hard for someone else who did not share my feelings (Ms. Something Beautiful for you Feelings ’11 listeners), but this time something different happened. In the midst of the whole situation it was like God caused me to step back and take a panoramic view of my romantic timeline. I saw that I was feeling the exact same thing that I felt when I was 14. I saw that even though I was in my 30s I still felt like a teenager inside. The same longing, the same whole in the chest feeling. I don’t know if it was because it was mixed up with the feelings of shame and disappointment concerning the divorce, but this time the pain was not pleasure. It hurt! I remember laying on the same couch that I’m sitting on typing this right now with tears in my eyes thinking…”This CAN’T be what love is supposed to feel like!” And it hit me like a ton of bricks. All those years I thought that I knew…but I had no idea.
During the following weeks God did a major over haul on my heart. My studio sessions with my bro Selwyn turned into mini therapy/counseling sessions. God really spoke through him to help me to see how low my self-worth actually was. It absolutely shocked me because I always felt that I was a confident person, and in many ways I was, but when it came to romance I didn’t see myself as a catch. I felt like I had to do things to convince whoever I was interested in to love me. Even when I was composing “Something Beautiful” it was with an attitude of “This will do the trick. This will make it happen.” While ministering to the youth in my church about lust and the voids in our lives that we lust after things to fill, God opened up to me plain as day everything that I shared with you earlier about my teenage years. It rocked my world to see that yes I had gotten over all of those girls, but I had never gotten over or dealt with what rejection had created in me. Jesus healed me and closed up the whole in my heart. He showed me who I am and it’s a beautiful thing.
I’m learning love now. I’m seeing new facets of it everyday. God is using a beautiful creature named Nina to help me discover what love really is. We’re discovering together actually.
*And now a word from our sponsor*
“For those of you who are flabbergasted by the fact that I was divorced and am now in a romantic relationship….GET OVER IT. And stop calling my Pastor about it (EPIC FAIL). That is all.”
*Now back to our regularly scheduled blog*
I’m learning that real love doesn’t hurt. You don’t have to work for it, and nothing you do creates it. Real love just is. Real love is when someone loves YOU for who you are, EXACTLY how you are. It’s a beautiful thing, and I’m so privileged and grateful for God’s grace in allowing me to experience what I am experiencing now.
Maybe you’re a teenage boy or girl reading this. Maybe you’re a grown man or woman who’s struggling with singleness. Maybe you’re dating someone. Maybe you’re separated from your spouse or even divorced. Whoever you are, I want you to know that pain does not equal love. I want you to know that the person who you CHOOSE to be with should be someone who accepts you for who you are right now. You are too special to waste another second chasing after someone who isn’t showing you interest, or being with someone who is CLEARLY not interested in caring for you. Be healed and free from low self-esteem, bitterness, and painful love in Jesus name. Don’t walk in darkness and confusion any longer. Don’t profess knowledge but have no idea. Get an understanding. I did, and it feels great! Yaaaaay love!!!! lol
Somedays it feels like right doesn’t work. Some days it feels like being a Christian and living by the principles of the Word does not pay off. Some days you want to throw up your hands and shout things like….”Why do I always have to be the one to forgive?”….or, “How come I can’t just go sex it up like everybody else?”….or, “Why does it seem like the folk who don’t even TRY to serve Jesus are wealthy and have no cares, but I’m struggling to make ends meet?” I’m sure we’ve all felt these things and more at some point. The next time you feel that way, read Psalms 37.
Psalms 37 reminds us that God sees and knows everything. It reminds us that God is just, loves judgement, and will pay us all for our deeds in the Earth. It lets us know that the way things look now are not necessarily how they will be when the final chapter is written and the book is closed. It makes us aware of a reality that we choose to forget sometimes; and that is evil, sin, and shortcuts may pay off and bring short term gratification, but those gratifications may be long forgotten when faced with the long term consequences.
Remember, the job of a judge is to bring a just resolution to the END of a matter. Things may seem unfair during the process, but at the end the judge will set things right. Just look at the life of David. He wrote this Psalm having lived through a situation where he was anointed as God’s chosen King, yet had to run for his life and be hunted like a dog by a man (Saul) who he had done NOTHIING wrong to. Twice he had a chance to take Saul’s life and he refused to do it (turned the other cheek). It looked like Saul was completely in control. He had the entire wealth and military might of Israel behind him. But how did it end? At the end the judge (God) set everything right, repaying Saul for his evil deeds and bringing to pass all of the promises he had made to David.
It may not seem fair right now. It may be frustrating right now. You may not understand it all right now, but be encouraged. God sees EVERYTHING. Submit your ways unto the Lord, and he SHALL bring it to pass.
Hi. My name is Edward Cornelious McCrae. I’m a nerd. I’ve been one all my life….and I love it. Why shouldn’t I? Who is it that came up with the idea that the “cool” kids in school are the muscular jocks who excel at Football and Basketball; or the rough and rugged dudes who prey upon the mild mannered for their lunch money? Where is the scripture that says “He who getteth good grades and valueth intellectual things shall be labeled UNCLEAN in social circles.” Who decided that the “cool” adults are the ones who can’t wait to get out of work Friday night so they can hit the club scene; or the ones who have so many women that they don’t even bother to remember names? When was THAT law signed!? Oh….that’s right. IT WASN’T! Forget that nonsense then.
I’m a nerd….and I’m cool! “Cool” is a state of mind. “Cool” is being happy with the person that you are and surrounding yourself with folk who get YOU. I have never fit the textbook, movie definition of “cool”. I’ve had glasses since the 1st grade (and I wanted them). They knew me by name at the library. I would take 10 books out at a time and read every one of them before they had to be returned. My parents did not allow secular music in the house, so I knew NONE of the songs folk sang at school. When school uniforms were first introduced and were only optional, I was one of the handful of folk who wore one. In High School I did not play basketball (couldn’t make a layup), or Football (had no desire to get hit). I played tennis (LOVED IT!). I’ve always been a 1 woman man, even as a teenager. Even now I do not fit the textbook “cool” mold. My favorite movie is Lord of the Rings. I love all things concerning computers. I enjoy playing chess and scrabble. I’m a gamer (XBbox Gamertag The EDmaestro). While folk are out clubbing on a Friday night, I prefer a nice quiet evening at home. Oh, and I’m a “holiness” preacher (lol). But you know what….I love it!!! I always have. Even though being different caused me to be the butt of jokes, and to not be able to sit at the cool kid table in school; I NEVER remember a time when I did not like who I was. I count that as a blessing.
It makes me sad to see people young and old changing who they are and involving themselves in ideas and activities that they are not comfortable with for the sake of fitting in. It saddens me that folk are afraid to put their REAL interests out there on Facebook because they’re afraid to be ridiculed. Away with that! There’s nothing wrong with you. Embrace YOUR “cool”. Be cool with your thick glasses. Be cool in line at your Star Trek and Twilight conventions (Well….maybe not Twilight but anyway…). Be cool with your closet full of computer parts. Be cool with the fact that they know you by first name at Barnes and Nobles. Embrace it! Love it! Be comfortable! Nerds rule!
I’m on Tumblr. Let the foolery commence. :-)